3-D bit of wisdom from Thom Rutledge

Thom Rutledge, psychotherapist, author and speaker, co-author of Life Without Ed along with Jenni Schaefer, left this awesome/powerful comment here on the blog in regards to my previous post called The Three Ds. I am posting it here on the main page, to make sure you all see it. It is really worth reflecting on...!! These are some new 3-D's to definitely remember!! Check it out:

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Lily,
Thanks for helping to spread the gospel of Jenni to others who are suffering with, and recovering from, that destructive relationship with "Ed."

Since we are playing with "D's" here, I can offer another 3-D bit of wisdom:
Decision turns Desperation into Determination. One thing that Jenni and I both teach (harp on) is that recovery ultimately comes down to our willingness to accept full responsibility for ourselves. "

Thanks again.

Thom Rutledge

www.thomrutledge.com & www.thesecretantidote.com

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Such a simple, powerful truth that Thom is sharing with us! Recovery really comes down to that. There is no secret to recovery. It is in all of the small steps we take everyday, the help we accept and receive, the healthy behaviors we learn, all of the unhealthy behaviors we leave behind...they are all small choices, that together, over time, can add up to recovery. We have to choose it, take responsibility for ourselves and say YES to a healthy life.

Make sure to visit Thom's sites by clicking on the links above . If you want to see the comment as left here on the blog by Thom, click on the comments link under the post titled "The Three Ds".

Thanks so much Thom! It is an honor that you stopped by!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Three Ds

Since Valentine's Day was last week, our group topic was on Love & Relationships. We talked about two of the most important relationships in your recovery. Your relationship with YOU and your relationship with ED (eating disorder).

Jenni Schaefer in her book Life Without ED talks about three very important Ds that are crucial in order to progress in your recovery from ED.

Distinguish, Disagree and Disobey

• Distinguish between standards that ED holds for you and healthy goals you/your treatment team have in place for recovery

• Disagree with ED

• Disobey ED (even if you cannot disagree with ED right now, it is important that you practice disobeying ED)

Ask yourself (practice this daily, before/after every meal or as often as you need to):

• What does ED want me to do today?
• What do I need to do today to stay in recovery?

...after asking yourself these questions, practice disagreeing with ED and, if you can, disobeying ED too.

You do not have to whole-heartedly believe/feel your disagreement, but it is important you practice saying NO and countering your negative thinking.

The disobeying also does not need to start big, it can be in small steps, for example: one extra bite of your meal even if Ed is telling you to stop, doing one small thing you enjoy even if ED is telling you to stay in bed.

It is important to take small steps in disagreeing and disobeying ED, so YOU can practice, and learn to and eventually win the fight with ED.

Remember to practice these three Ds. Distinguish, Disagree and Disobey.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Maya Angelou Quote

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." ~ Maya Angelou

Thanks so much to Jaime (check out Jaime's blog by clicking here) for sharing this awesome quote here on our blog in response to my previous post!

peace, hope and love,

lily

Thought for the Day

"It's only a thought and a thought can be changed.

I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. I am willing to change and grow."

~ Louise Hay

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If you attended out last group of the year, you probably remember the holiday cards Nikki and I gave out to all of the attendees that night. Each holiday card had a power thought card inside. We gave them out randomly. The one I got, had the quote above by Louise Hay.

Language and thoughts are so incredibly powerful, I always say this, cause I so believe it. We have to re-learn how to talk to ourselves about ourselves, and make peace with who we are and who we are not...We have to learn how to let go of negative thinking, and create a healthy story of our lives that we can live into.

Like Dan Baker PhD says in his book What Happy People Know, we can't change our past. What happened to us will always be what happened to us. But we can change what we make our past mean to us. Moments of pain and struggle can become our greatest sources of wisdom.

It is our choice, and what a powerful choice it is to have!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The One Thing

Hi All,
From time to time, I like to share, on the blog, what inspires me...Here is a song that I heard several weeks ago and I thought was totally awesome! I made an iMovie of it with my Mac so I could share it with you. Here it is...

Every Moment

"Every moment that's ever been, or ever will be, is gone the instant it's begun. So life is loss. And the secret to happiness is to learn to love the moment more that you mourn the loss."
~ "Emily" a patient with cancer, from the book What Happy People Know by Dan Baker PhD

Integrity

“Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do” ~ Don Galer
This weekend, I experienced someone doing something of questionable integrity that affected me directly...made me feel like I was in high school and someone stole my homework...what a yucky feeling...

I am still processing this. Tonight, one thing comes to mind:

I want to live a life of integrity - where what "I do", what "I say" and what "I say I do" are in harmony....

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Where We Are and Where We Have Been

Hi All,
I received this in my inbox this morning and wanted to share with you.

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source: www.hazelden.org


"Rarely do climbers stare up to see how far away the top still is. Instead, when they rest, they look down toward the starting point of their journey. The view they see assures them that they have already come a long, long way.

Like the climbers, we need to keep our eyes on where we are and where we've been, not on where we're going. When we become discouraged with the progress of our recovery, we only need to look back over how far we have come. The rewarding view gives us courage to continue. Many of us recall times when we lived without hope and the sense of impending doom. Now we look forward to life with confidence.

Today, I will remember to face my climb with optimism. Even if my progress sometimes seems slow to me, it's still a long way from where I once was."

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hope to see you all this Sunday, at our regularly scheduled meeting (for meeting info, please see previous post)

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Special Guest This Weekend / Dr. Henah Gupta, PhD

You don't want to miss this weekend's meeting! We have a special guest: Dr. Henah Gupta, PhD, from The Renfrew Center, will be speaking about Interpersonal Relationships and Eating Disorders.

Look forward to seeing you this Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 PM at our regular meeting place: Flamingo Road Church on the corner of Flamingo Road and Stirling in Cooper City, Florida.

Remember: friends/family and people in your life that want to learn more about how to help you are always welcome to our meetings.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Doing What You Love Part II - The Runner's Story

Hi All,
A couple of posts ago I shared a quote from George Burns that said: Every day, do something you love...

I am writing this post as a follow up to that quote, as a response to someone I do not know, but whose story I heard today and have heard many times before in the people that I have met that exercise compulsively as part of eating disordered behaviors.

"But I love to run! and my treatment team does not allow it...."

Obsessive/compulsive, addictive, self-destructive behaviors do not have true love and appreciation as a driving force.

"Compulsive behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive."

It is very different to engage in an activity when we are motivated by true enjoyment, love and appreciation than when fear, anxiety and obsession are mixed in the equation.

The motivation/intention is different and so is the end result.

This is a very powerful distinction to make.

To the runner I don't know, whose story I have heard many times before in those that exercise compulsively: I hope that one day, in the process of recovery and healing, you will come to truly love running again.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

On Being Late

"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date. No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late." ~ The White Rabbit (Alice in Wonderland)

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs: Heather Palacios' Lead(her)ship blog and she was talking about being late....This is something that I struggle with and it causes me a lot of stress. Her post gave me the idea to google for some tips or strategies...Here are some I just found in a New York Times Article called: "For the Chronically Late, It’s Not a Power Trip"

1. HAVE A STRATEGY Make a commitment to work on the problem every day for at least a month.

2. RELEARN HOW TO TELL TIME Late people tend to underestimate the amount of time their activities take by 25 percent to 30 percent. Write down all your activities and clock how long they actually take.

3. NEVER PLAN TO BE ON TIME Instead, PLAN TO BE EARLY. Punctual people build in extra transit time because they know that unexpected delays can occur. Many tardy people — in their naïve optimism — have never learned to do this.

4. WELCOME THE WAIT Bring a magazine, a book or some language tapes so that you can entertain yourself and get something done while you wait.

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something else I read that might help the "chronologically impaired" is to think and reflect on how your tardiness impacts/affects those that are waiting on YOU...

I am going to commit to these tips for the next month and see what happens! Most of my mornings start very stressful, as I run against the clock to get to work on time. What if I was way ahead of it? I actually enjoy being early, I just do not have the habit. I'll let you know in 30 days what progress I have made...

We all have 24 hours in a day, so if others can be punctual, we can too! Is there something that helps you be on time/early instead of late?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Quote for the Day

Here is an awesome quote I read the other day on Professional Toolbox Consultants' Tools and Skills for Life Blog that I wanted to share with you:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." ~ Gandhi

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Butterflies In Your Stomach

Hi all,
This is the piece we used to close last night's group on Anxiety:

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The purpose of life is not to get rid of the butterflies in your stomach, but to make them fly in formation.
--Author unknown

Did you know that your anxiety could help you at work? Anxieties are a signal; they are a warning system within us saying "Halt!" "Look!" "Listen!" Our anxieties are either honest fears or old, familiar feelings we have carried irrationally from our past. If our anxieties come from legitimate fears, we can face them honestly and move beyond them.

I like to think of anxiety as lying at the threshold of change. Often we feel anxiety when we are entering a new position, a new workplace, or a new experience. These anxieties are natural; they are telling us that we care about our performance. However, when we carry anxieties from our past, such as those that come from old stories of self-doubt, we face a challenge of another kind. We must trace the history of these anxieties and find the primary sources. These anxieties often hover about, leading us to a dead end. We can move through these anxieties by respecting and working on them instead of burying them. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt us.

Just for today, I will listen to my anxious feelings and ask myself whether they are legitimate anxieties from the present or hovering haunts that have been hiding in my closet.

source: www.hazelden.org

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make sure to check back periodically for new posts!

Quote for the day

Every so often, I run into a quote that just really speaks to me. This one is as simple as it is powerful.

"Everyday, do something you love."
~ George Burns (1896 - 1996)

It reminds me of something I read called "the 60 minute principle". More on that later....

what is something you love to do that you can do for yourself today?

peace, hope and love,

On Worry

There used to be times in my life where I worried myself to exhaustion. At the end of the day, I would be so tired, just of worrying all day long...I have learned that I can't worry myself into not worrying. Why is it that we assume we can think our worries into submission? Instead, we have to do something different, and take action!

Here are some tips for dealing with worry:

source: Steve Gillman and Edward Hallowell, M.D.

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1. Take action now. Any action towards a goal tends to diminish worry. Thinking too much about your goals or plans, especially if you dwell on the hurdles, will cause you worry and stress. Of course you should plan well, but when planning drifts towards worrying, it's time to start doing something positive. Take action!

2. Prepare for choice. Nothing crowds and clouds your mind with worry as much as decisions waiting to be made. If you are ready, make them now, or at least start gathering the information you need to make them.

3. Get reassurance. Know which people in your life you can depend on to reassure you, and then ask them for help.

4. Ask for advice / Accept help. No one is an expert on every subject. If you’re in over your head, get input from someone who's more knowledgeable.

5. Don't worry alone. When you share a worry, it almost always diminishes.

6. Use mental categories. Too many things going on in your head? Write them on lists and you may feel better. It works well for many of us worriers. When you are dwelling too much on something, and you stop to schedule a time to work on it, or just put it on a list, it is easier to let go of it for now. You're basically creating "mental categories." In fact, just saying to yourself, "There's nothing I can do about this until Monday," can put a worry into a category of "nothing to worry about right now."

7. Deal with problems directly and quickly. To eliminate worry when there are real problems, try to confront them head-on, and resolve them quickly. The anticipation of problems is what causes the most worry. Just deal with them head on as soon as is possible, and resolve them to the extent possible.

8. Take a break. Do something for yourself, something you enjoy and take a break from your thoughts. Go for a walk, read a book, watch tv, call a friend, go to a movie, etc.

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I worry still, of course, we all do. I just refuse to be paralyzed by fear and worry. I take action, ask for help, share my concerns with people I trust, do something I enjoy (this helps a lot), and schedule time to worry/think/problem solve. Those are some of the things that work for me.

What is something you can do different next time you worry?

A NEW LEAF

Hi All,
Here is the poem we used to lead our discussion tonight. Our topic was: Turn a New Leaf. "When you decide to do something different to change your life for the better, you are turning over a new leaf."

It is a great topic to start the new year. And the cool thing is, we do not have to wait 'til 2009 to do this again. We can turn a new leaf every day, every passing moment.

A NEW LEAF
How soothing the sound
of it, like the feel
of clean sheets, crisp
and cool to the touch,
hinting airy freshness
as we snuggle in.

How comforting it is
to lie here thinking
of this whole new year
fresh and inviting,
opening the prospect
that things might be
better, perhaps could
be, if we could just
approach each new day
with the same sense
of purpose we feel
at this moment.

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So what is one thing you can do to change your life for the better? Just one small step, one small change, one small commitment? Something you can do for you?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Quote for New Year's Day

I subscribe to "Today's Gift" by www.hazelden.org and wanted to share one of their latest emails with you:

I've shut the door on yesterday,
And thrown the key away.
Tomorrow holds no fears for me,
Since I have found today.
-- Vivian Yeiser Laramore

"Feeling guilty or ashamed about the past - about what we did or did not do, about what happened to us, about who we were - can be our undoing. We must work long and hard in our recovery to work through these feelings, not to forget the past - for it informs all that we value in ourselves today - but to put the past into perspective.

After we've taken an inventory and grieved our losses we must forgive ourselves. In forgiving ourselves we can let go of the past and live in today.

A new year, a new life, can be ours. Love and friendship, support and spiritual growth are waiting for us today. Our yesterdays are over, and we can look to the future with joy and anticipation."

source: Today's Gift Meditation from www.hazelden.org 12/30/07

Dove Real Beauty Commercial

May peace, strength and comfort be yours this holiday season and in the coming year.

Check out this video by clicking on the play button (triangle) in the center of the box...




peace, hope and love,

Lily

Lesson from Baby Jonah

Hi All,
Check out this picture of my nephew Jonah. He is 4 months old in this pic. He is not quite ready to sit on his own but he has this really cool chair that provides the support he needs so he can sit up until he is ready to do it by himself. So here is the lesson from baby Jonah:
It is ok to get extra support if we need it. No need to feel embarrassed, sad or ashamed. It it just extra help that gives us what we need until we are ready to stand on our own.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

No Wonder...

No wonder our perception of beauty is so distorted..! check out this video by clicking on the play button (triangle) in the center of the box...



see you this Sunday, December 16th, 2007 at 7:00 PM.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Tips for Dealing With The Holiday Blues

Here are some tips I found online on how to deal with the holiday blues...

source: adapted from Good Grief! I’m Having a Charlie Brown Xmas: How to Deal with the Holiday Blues by Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS, FAAETS and 7 Tips For Beating The Holiday Blues by Lisa Angelettie M.S.W.

• Stay Connected - The worse thing you can do for the holiday blues is to be isolated from your support system. Reach out and reconnect with old friends or make new ones; this can help deal with the loneliness experienced during this season.

• Avoid Addictive Substances / Addictive Behaviors - While you do experience a temporary numbing effect - your feelings of "the blues" will only become magnified once you come down off of your drug of choice.

• Determine priorities, establish realistic goals and expectations for the holiday season - Don't expect that everything will be perfect—food, decorations, parties, family behavior or presents. Keep expectations manageable. Decide what can be comfortable done and what cannot be done.

• Maintain a normal routine - Try and continue with normal daily activities.

• Take time for yourself—for rest and relaxation.

• Do those activities, or be with the people that comfort, sustain, nourish and recharge you.

• Minimize financial stressors by knowing your spending limit, setting a budget and sticking to it - Remember that the best gifts often come from the desire to make someone happy, not the price tag.

• Remember the true reason for the season.

• Feelings of grief, loss or sadness should be acknowledged, not ignored or repressed by those who have experienced a death, romantic break-up, tragedy or significant loss.

• Spend time with caring, supportive, nurturing people.

• Old holiday traditions may no longer be possible as families change. Find new ways to celebrate the season. Create new rituals, traditions or remembrances.

• Tell someone - Did it ever occur to you that it would be much easier to get through the holidays if someone else knows how hard it is for you? People that care about you want to help.

• Remember to take the holidays (and life), one hour at a time...one day at a time.

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Hope you have a happy, safe and healthy holiday season.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Holiday Blues - Why am I feeling like Charlie Brown?

I found a really cool article online on the Holiday Blues, so I am going to dedicate a couple of posts to sharing some excerpts from this article....The following excerpt talks about some reasons why people experience Holiday Blues.


source: Good Grief! I’m Having a Charlie Brown Xmas: How to Deal with the Holiday Blues by Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS, FAAETS

"People often have different experiences of the holidays. For many, it is a time of joy, happiness, peace on earth, good will, celebrating with family and friends, and hope for the future. But for others, the holiday season can be a difficult time, a time of sadness and loneliness, a time of self evaluation and reflecting on past accomplishments and failures, and a time of anxiety about the future year. During this time of year there is a high potential for psychological, physical and financial stress. As a result, the holidays can leave millions of people feeling blue, not happy or merry. The holiday blues can affect men and women of all ages with intense and unsettling feelings ranging from mild sadness to severe clinical depression (...)

The Holiday Blues tend to be short-lived lasting only a few days to a few weeks around the holiday season. The emotions—sadness, loneliness, depression, anxiety—usually subside after the holidays once a daily routine is resumed. However, if the symptoms of hopelessness and depression last for more than two weeks, persist past the holidays, or intensify during the season, a simple case of the blues may in reality be a serious case of depression (...)

A person experiencing the "blues" consistently over a period of several weeks should seek professional help from physicians and/or mental health care professionals. Talking with a professional or taking a mental health screening test can help assess whether it's the "blues" or depression."

~ Kirsti A. Dyer, MD

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It is a great article, you might want to read it in its entirety by clicking on the link at the top of this post. Understanding some of the reasons why we feel The Holiday Blues, might help us find healthy ways to cope with our feelings. On that note, in the next post, I will share some tips for dealing with the holiday blues from this and other articles...

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Here and Now

I received this via email the other day and wanted to share it with all of you:

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Be aware of yourself and validate your experience. Pay attention to your world, to what's happening, and why. . . . Feel your strength. Value it, and use it.
--Alexandra G. Kaplan

"To truly exist in the here and now, we need to feel ourselves in the present. We need to enter each moment without the excess baggage of the past, nor the anticipation of the future.

How do we think or feel in the present? Take away thoughts of other times and we may feel lost and confused. It takes time to learn to live in the present and to trust it. We need to learn that, for as long as we're in the present, we exist. We are.

Imagine the moment as a brand new car. All we need to do is open the door, hop in, and drive away. For that moment, our thoughts will not be focused on cars we used to own or on those we're going to buy in the future. Instead, for that moment, we are in the here and now. That's how each of our moments can be: fresh and clean and exciting."

Thought for Today: "I can sit in the driver's seat and experience each moment as it occurs. Therein lies my strength."

source: www.Hazelden.org (Today's Gift Meditation for 11/30/07)

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This is such an important concept. I used to live regretting my past (in depression) and fearing the future (anxiety). We have to learn to let go of the the past. We can't go back in time and change what happened, but we can transcend our past by changing what it means to us. Even our most painful moments can become our greatest sources of wisdom if we choose to see them that way. It is a choice.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Message from Nikki Kramer, MSW

Hi all,
Here is a message from Nikki Kramer, MSW that she posted as a comment last night. Didn't want anyone to miss it so I am posting it on the main page:

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Thank you Henah for a powerful presentation on stages of change. I really want to encourage all of you to continue to think about what stage you're at for different areas of recovery and what baby step you can take to move toward the next step.

Also, so many of us focus on what we're doing Wrong. I'd love to hear that you are giving yourselves an opportunity to focus on what you're doing Right!!! Let us know on this blog or start a recovery bank (put a penny in every time you stand up to your "ED" in some way). I look forward to seeing you all at the next meeting.

~Nikki

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note: see the previous post for a brief summary of the stages of change.

Stages of Change

Last night's meeting was so informative! Thanks so much to Dr. Henah Gupta Ph.D. for sharing and working with the group on The Stages of Change.

Here is a brief summary of Prochaska’s Stages of Change (Prochaska & colleagues 1994)



Pre-Contemplation (resisting change): This is either a denial of the problem, or an awareness of the problem with an unwillingness to change.

Contemplation (change on the horizon): There is an awareness of a problem, an understanding of the pros and cons of change, yet there is a fear of change.

Preparation (getting ready): There is a clear awareness of the problem and the need to learn how to change.

Action (time to move): The person starts to terminate unhealthy behaviors and develop new, more positive behaviors.

Maintenance (staying there): action behaviors are practiced and continually reinforced until they become automatic and last for an extended period of time.

It is important for you to ascertain what stage you are in for the various problematic eating disorder behaviors you experience. Increased understanding will yield a greater likelihood of actual complete recovery.

Exercise: List your eating disordered/addiction behaviors. For each behavior, list the corresponding stage of change where you are in your process of change. If you have any behaviors in the earlier stages of change, list the pros and cons of change. When you understand the pros and cons of change, you will better understand your fears. When you understand your fears, you will better be able to develop alternative, healthy ways to address those fears.

source: Dr. Henah Gupta, Ph.D. and Eating Disorders: The Journey to Recovery Workbook (2001)

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The presentation was great and this model can be used not only for people in all different stages of recovery but for practically any area of our lives where we want to make positive, effective, lasting change!

peace, hope and love,