Basic Rights in Relationships

In the past, I have been "the abused" in emotionally/verbally abusive relationships. I had no idea what my rights were as a person. I also did not know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like and used to think I deserved no better that to be treated badly.

Learning what my rights and responsibilities are as an individual and with my family, friends, and those I do life with, has been a very important part of my recovery.

The Following is a list of Basic Rights in Relationships from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

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Basic Rights in Relationships

• The right to good will from the other.

• The right to emotional support.

• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

• The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.

• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern you

• The right to live free from accusation and blame.

• The right to live free from criticism, judgment, put-downs or ridicule.

• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

• The right to encouragement.

• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

• The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

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I have internalized these rights and refer back to them when something doesn't feel right in a relationship, but I remember the time when these rights were foreign to me and I thought I deserved nothing better than abuse.

It is important to remember that our rights are also our responsibilities in relationships. and that we have the right to express ourselves as long as we are not abusive towards others.

If you are in a situation of abuse, ask for help. YOU MATTER and YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to live free of emotional, verbal and physical abuse***.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

***note: both women and men can be victims of abuse.

Quote for Today

"Mistakes move me forward."

~ Virginia Kravitz, Life Coach ~ In The Current

Last Friday, I had the oppotunity to meet Virginia Kravitz, life coach and co-author of OASIS in the Overwhelm 28 Day Guide: Rewire Your Brain from Chaos to Calm


We spoke briefly about things that usually hold us back from living lives filled with passion, intentionality, and purpose.

For me, it is fear of making mistakes. Virginia said: "Think about this: Mistakes move me forward..." Thanks so much for the powerful reminder Virginia!!

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So the conversation with Virginia got me thinking: We always succeed in producing results. Results may not be what we expected or needed, but we can use our mistakes to learn about what works and does not work, and then try again. Mistakes indeed move us forward and can be a valuable learning experiences if we choose to see them that way.
Is there a mistake you made in the past that turned out into a learning experience for you? What lesson(s) did you learn? Is there a mistake in your life that you can choose to forgive yourself for, learn from and move on?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Gift Revolution

The secret movement I blogged about this past week was revealed internationally this weekend.

The Gift Revolution is a movement started by a group of businesses, churches and individuals that want to make a difference this holiday season by inspiring the world and making a difference through acts of giving. It is going on in 21 countries and 6 continents (so far).

On The Gift Revolution website, people can share their stories and upload videos of how they are making a difference, or how others have made a difference in their lives through The Gift Revolution. For more information, click HERE.

Doing something for others takes the focus from us and our pain. Make a difference in someone's life this holiday season, step outside of your world and into someone else's, step outside your story and into someone else's story.

Change the conversation in your head to one of giving, openness, peace, hope, courage, strength and possibility and watch your life start to change one step at a time.

May this holiday season be a reminder for you to step outside of yourself, your life story and your pain and give yourself and others the gift of saying, though an act of kindness: I matter, YOU matter, We are worth it.

Here is a sample of what The Gift Revolution is all about. Click to watch the video.


Quick Hits

peace, hope and love,

Lily

This Weekend

Don't miss this Weekend! from Flamingo Road Church on Vimeo.

Hi all,
Those of you that are local readers and have been to our support group meetings know that we meet at Flamingo Road Church. It was a teaching from Pastor Troy Gramling (seen in video above) back in 2006, that inspired me to start what today is the ANAD Broward County Chapter. (Thanks Flamingo Road! Thanks Pastor Troy!)

From time to time I will post a promo video of an upcoming series here on the blog. Here is the promo video for the new series that is starting this weekend. I can't say much about it (cause it's a secret) but it is going to be an AMAZING holiday series.

You can click HERE for this weekend's service times, directions to local campuses or to view live at any of the scheduled service times by clicking on the internet campus link on that same page.

If you are in the area, check it out, it is going to be BIG, HUGE, AMAZING and you will want to say you were there to see it live.

Well, off to bed now. Gotta catch a plane early tomorrow morning but I will definitely be checking out one of the services this weekend.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Quote for Today

“You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you. If you don't have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you'll stop at the first giant hurdle.”

~ George Lucas

One word can change everything.

YesMan is a new Jim Carrey movie coming out on December 19th, 2008. It is the story of a very unhappy guy, Carl Allen, that is used to saying NO to everything. He attends a self-help seminar based on the premise that he should say YES to everything…and anything!

Carl begins to say YES to things he used to say NO to and "the power of 'YES' begins to transform Carl‘s life in amazing and unexpected ways." But in true Jim Carrey style, he gets into worlds of trouble for saying YES to absolutely every single opportunity and every single request that comes his way.

The whole premise of the movie got me thinking: Sometimes we are afraid to say YES and miss out on so much because we say NO to life instead....and sometimes we are afraid to say NO and instead say YES to things we should be saying NO to....

Are you saying NO to life and missing out on possibilities and opportunities that can potentially lead you to a healthy, happy life? Are you saying YES to things that you should be saying NO to?

Saying YES when we want to say NO and saying NO when we want to say YES can lead to resentment, anger, guilt, frustration and hurt.

It is all about finding a healthy balance between our YESes and our NOs.

What would it be like for you to be able to say YES when you need to say YES and NO when you need to say NO?

Here is the movie trailer for YesMan. Hope it makes you smile and re-think your YESes and your NOs....



peace, hope and love,

Lily

New Pro-Recovery Eating Disorder Group Coming to Weston, FL

Coming Soon! Nicolle Arbelaez Lopez, Psy.D. is starting a New Pro-Recovery Eating Disorder Group as part of the services she provides through her practice in Weston, Florida. The Group will take place on Tuesday evenings from 6 to 7:15 PM in Weston, Florida and will be starting in the next couple of weeks.

It will be a process, support and psycho-educational group for women who are in recovery and need additional support, especially during the holidays. The cost will be $60 for the group session. For more information, please contact Dr. Nicolle Arbelaez Lopez at 954-804-5144 or via email at DrNicolle@soflapsychology.com . You can visit Nicolle's website by clicking HERE.

Thanks for the information Nicolle! Look forward to having you as a guest speaker in 2009!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Question for Today

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I subscribe to "Today's Gift" from Hazelden.org. Here is one of the emails I received this week. I was actually in a bad mood (kinda sad/annoyed/tired) when I received the email. The quote and the concept really came at a perfect time. What a great reminder! I wanted to share it with you.....

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You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment.
--David D. Burns

"Good thoughts are like bright colors in a painting. Negative thoughts are dark and dreary and drab. Each day we paint pictures of our own lives with our thoughts. If we step back and look at the canvas, we will see whether the picture is alive with bright colors or dreary and lifeless like a dark cloud. Our thoughts have the power to bring joy or sadness our way, depending on what we expect or look for in our surroundings. The choice of how we want our lives to be is ours. Since we paint a new picture each day, we are always free to change things when they don't please us. What better time than the present?"

Question for today: Is there something in my life I'd like to change today?

source: Today's Gift by Anonymous

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We can't worry or pout our problems into submission. We have to do something different, think something different, take action. Pray, ask for help, reach out, learn a new coping tool, go back to the ABCs of recovery (whatever they are for you). Take even a small step in the right direction. It works.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

***note: you can find more funny cat pictures (with captions) on this site. It is a very funny site http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Quote for Today

"The key word is trying. And that's half the battle I think."
~ Healthy Lindsay

Lindsay is one of the bravest, most courageous bloggers I know. She is an amazing example of perseverance. Next time you think of giving up, follow Lindsay's example.

Don't give up before you try!

Happy Birthday Lindsay!!

You can check out Lindsay's blog by clicking HERE.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Happy Brain

Here is some interesting information on the relationship between appreciation, positive emotions and brain chemistry. I find the relationship between neuroscience and psychology fascinating. Turns out thoughts are just not strings of words floating inside our head, they are related to brain chemistry and mental health in a big way. Check it out:

"The brain is very happy when you are focused on what you love. The more you focus on what you truly love and desire, the volume gets turned down in those parts of the limbic system where the destructive emotions of fear, anger, depression, and anxiety are controlled. This allows you to think more clearly.

You also turn up the volume in other parts of the limbic system that generate positive emotions. When this happens, you get a release of dopamine, endorphins, and a variety of stress reducing hormones and neurotransmitters. The more you focus on what you truly love, the healthier you are likely to be and the more you will feel the positive effect of those stress-reducing neurochemicals in your body and mind.

You actually get kind of a double whammy. You can have a decrease in negative emotions and an increase in positive emotions when you align yourself with what you believe important to you."

~ Newberg & Waldman, Neuroscientists - University of Pennsylvania

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Note from me: So all those affirmations, journaling, lists of things we are thankful for, all of the tools we learn in therapy to help us think differently and healthier thoughts, actually have a positive biological effect on our brain chemistry and overall mental health.

In the beginning stages of recovery, it feels foreign to think positive thoughts, to calm the negative mind. I know it was hard for me. But with practice, it gets easier and it becomes a new way of living and thinking.

What are five people, places, things, activities, possibilities that you love, that you can list and spend some time thinking about today?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

On Anger

One of my favorite tv shows is "How I Met Your Mother" (Monday nights on CBS). It is similar to Friends. The whole storyline is actually a flashback. The main character, Ted Mosby, is telling his kids (in the future) the story of 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Ted shares a "lesson learned" with his kids at the end of every episode. This week, it was a lesson about anger. The girl that Ted was going to marry leaves him at the altar for someone else.

It takes him a while to learn this lesson. He first tries to avoid and ignore Stella, his anger and his pain....

So here is the lesson Ted shared with his kids:

"...and that was it, in that moment I wasn’t angry anymore. I could see that Stella was meant to be with Tony.

Kids,

You may think that your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face. But there is a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.

And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn’t mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me..."

~ Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

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Next time you are angry, I hope you remember Ted's lesson:

"You may think that your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face. But there is a third option, you can just let it go. "

peace, hope and love,

Lily

On Being Different

So Saturday I was at a Leadhership meeting. There was an unexpected lesson (among the awesome things we talked about) that I wanted to share with you.

Here is the story:

We were getting ready to start our meeting with beverages courtesy of our Lead(Her) ...and, all of a sudden, enters Ann Marie with a beverage from "a different beverage place"! I have heard that for coffee connoisseurs, this is quite controversial :^)

Here is the pic. Thanks for the pic and for the bevs Heat(her)!

Here is the unexpected lesson/reminder:

This pic got me thinking...

1) It is ok to be different. Our differences make us unique. They make us who we are.

2) We need people in our lives that, in big and small things, (as our group did today):
- Acknowledge and are aware of our differences
- Respect our differences
- Speak the truth about what makes us different
- Use our differences as opportunities for growth
- Love and accept us for exactly who we are

Hey Ann Marie (Graceful Rebel), thanks so much for the unexpected lesson that your uniqueness brought on Saturday.


Here is a picture of Ann Marie :^)






peace, hope and love,

Lily :-)

The Measure of Our Days

A book that I ordered, and have been waiting, for finally arrived!!!!
The Measure of Our Days: A Spiritual Exploration of Illness by Jerome Groopman, M.D.




Dr. Jerome Groopman is also the Author of The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Face of Illness. This one is also on my reading list.



Looking forward to reading and sharing feedback later.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Choices We Make

So here is the obligatory 2008 election post. Don't worry, I am not going to get political, or tell you who I am voting for :^) on tuesday.


According to the Oxford American Dictionary, the definition of the word VOTE is: a formal indication of a choice between two or more candidates or courses of action, expressed typically through a ballot or a show of hands or by voice.

This definition got me thinking about recovery, life and the choices we make. We have all made choices in the past that brought us to where we are today.

If you are struggling due to choices you have made, please remember that every passing moment you can begin to make choices that will lead you towards a better place. Sometimes that place is a place of peace, courage, and acceptance of what is and hope about what can be.

If you are struggling today. start by making the choice to ask and accept help.

If you are on the road to recovery, make the formal commitment to continue to make the choices that will keep you on the path to a happy, healthy, life.

May this coming election day be a reminder of the choices/possibilities available to you.

peace, hope and love,

Lily