Learned Helplesness Part I

I have been reading up on something called Learned Helplessness. Learned Helplessness is linked to depression. Here is a definition I found online:

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Learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which a human being or an animal has learned to believe that it is helpless in a particular situation. It has come to believe that it has no control over its situation and that whatever it does is futile. As a result, the human being or the animal will stay passive in the face of an unpleasant, harmful or damaging situation, even when it does actually have the power to change its circumstances.

source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

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more on this later.

Lily

It won't work so why try it?

I have lived in Florida for 14 plus years. I have worked for most of those 14 years and have had to commute in the awful Florida traffic. Many people I know, over the years, have often suggested that I try books on cd. I always dismissed it, saying "I won't like it!", "I'll hate it", "It won't work!", "It works for others but not for me", "why even try?"

...so many times I said that to others and to myself, that I actually completely believed it and accepted it as fact. I was totally convinced that it would not work out.

So about a month ago, someone gave me a book on cd, and guess what? I loved it. Not just the book but the whole experience of it. I have gone through several books on cd during the last month, and I am really enjoying my commute now.

So this got me thinking...What else have I not tried because I have convinced myself it won't work out....without even trying? Is it possible that I am missing out on something good? I can think of a couple things I want to try. How about you?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

I'm Free

The power in you is greater than your addictions. But you've got to change your attitude. You've got to start saying, "I'm free." Declare that every day. Don't talk about the way you are, talk about the way you want to be.

~ Joel Osteen, Become a Better You

Thought for Today

Looking at this picture of my baby nephew Jonah and his dog Ike, I think to myself: Remember to enjoy the simple things...there is so much we take for granted! There is not much we really need to be happy and we can always find something to be thankful for...


peace, hope and love,

Lily

Tips For Promoting Effective Change

Thanks so much to Jeffrey Jabick, LMHC from Professional Toolbox Consultants for his presentation last night at our support group meeting.

Jeff spoke about natural barriers to change and tips for promoting effective change.

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Here are the tips for promoting effective change that we discussed last night:

1. State your goal in the "affirmative".

2. Make sure that your goal is behavioral in nature.

3. Be specific (how, when, where, how often, how much).

4. Identify how achieving your goal will benefit you.

5. Be aware of potential consequences and/or "costs".

6. Make sure that your goal is realistic.

7. Remember that change is often difficult and uncomfortable.

8. Write down your goal.

9. Share your goal with family and friends.

10. Monitor your progress.

11. Remember: "Progress not perfection"

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As usual, thank you so much as well for giving generously of your time to answer questions one on one after your presentation.

'til next time,

Lily
ANAD Broward County Chapter

Jeffrey Jabick, LMHC - Guest Speaker This Weekend

"New Year , New You: How To Make Healthy Changes"
This weekend we have a guest speaker. Jeffrey Jabick, LMHC from Professional Toolbox Consultants will be speaking about natural barriers to change, how to make healthy changes and helpful tips to set and maintain healthy goals.

Look forward to seeing you all this Sunday at 7:00 PM at our usual meeting place: Room 127 (Volunteer Central) in the main auditorium building at Flamingo Road Church in Cooper City, FL.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Lessons from a Power Outage

I live in Florida, and today, at around 1:09 PM there was a massive power outage that affected several million people here in the sunshine state. It was a bit surreal. I was in Coral Gables at the time in a tall office building. Phone's stopped working. People came down stairwells from tall office buildings everywhere and stood in parking garages and on sidewalks.

Those around me that were able to get through on cell phones were saying that friends in other counties were also without power and that several nuclear power plants had been shut down....

After the fact, I thought...What can I learn from what I saw people doing this afternoon? What are some things we can do in the face of an uncertain, stressful situation?

1) Stay calm / stay grounded - having coping tools
2) Look for a safe place - knowing what we need to do to stay safe
3) Ask for help, ask questions if you need to - giving, receiving and accepting help
4) Reach out to others that might be going through the same situation - seeking support
5) Communicate with family and friends - communication
6) Listen to those that are well informed / more experienced in the subject - following advice of those trained to help
8) Learn from what works and what doesn't & have a plan in place for next time you go through a similar situation - having a plan

these were the lessons I learned from today's power outage in Florida...I think we can apply these lessons to recovery from EDs...

Are there any of these tips/areas that you need to work on in order to stay or get back on the road to recovery?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Windshield and The Rearview Mirror

"The car you drive has a large windshield, but only a relatively small rearview mirror. The implication is obvious: What happened in your past is not nearly as important as what is in your future. Where you are going is much more important than where you've been. "

~ Joel Osteen, Become a Better You

3-D bit of wisdom from Thom Rutledge

Thom Rutledge, psychotherapist, author and speaker, co-author of Life Without Ed along with Jenni Schaefer, left this awesome/powerful comment here on the blog in regards to my previous post called The Three Ds. I am posting it here on the main page, to make sure you all see it. It is really worth reflecting on...!! These are some new 3-D's to definitely remember!! Check it out:

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Lily,
Thanks for helping to spread the gospel of Jenni to others who are suffering with, and recovering from, that destructive relationship with "Ed."

Since we are playing with "D's" here, I can offer another 3-D bit of wisdom:
Decision turns Desperation into Determination. One thing that Jenni and I both teach (harp on) is that recovery ultimately comes down to our willingness to accept full responsibility for ourselves. "

Thanks again.

Thom Rutledge

www.thomrutledge.com & www.thesecretantidote.com

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Such a simple, powerful truth that Thom is sharing with us! Recovery really comes down to that. There is no secret to recovery. It is in all of the small steps we take everyday, the help we accept and receive, the healthy behaviors we learn, all of the unhealthy behaviors we leave behind...they are all small choices, that together, over time, can add up to recovery. We have to choose it, take responsibility for ourselves and say YES to a healthy life.

Make sure to visit Thom's sites by clicking on the links above . If you want to see the comment as left here on the blog by Thom, click on the comments link under the post titled "The Three Ds".

Thanks so much Thom! It is an honor that you stopped by!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Three Ds

Since Valentine's Day was last week, our group topic was on Love & Relationships. We talked about two of the most important relationships in your recovery. Your relationship with YOU and your relationship with ED (eating disorder).

Jenni Schaefer in her book Life Without ED talks about three very important Ds that are crucial in order to progress in your recovery from ED.

Distinguish, Disagree and Disobey

• Distinguish between standards that ED holds for you and healthy goals you/your treatment team have in place for recovery

• Disagree with ED

• Disobey ED (even if you cannot disagree with ED right now, it is important that you practice disobeying ED)

Ask yourself (practice this daily, before/after every meal or as often as you need to):

• What does ED want me to do today?
• What do I need to do today to stay in recovery?

...after asking yourself these questions, practice disagreeing with ED and, if you can, disobeying ED too.

You do not have to whole-heartedly believe/feel your disagreement, but it is important you practice saying NO and countering your negative thinking.

The disobeying also does not need to start big, it can be in small steps, for example: one extra bite of your meal even if Ed is telling you to stop, doing one small thing you enjoy even if ED is telling you to stay in bed.

It is important to take small steps in disagreeing and disobeying ED, so YOU can practice, and learn to and eventually win the fight with ED.

Remember to practice these three Ds. Distinguish, Disagree and Disobey.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The Maya Angelou Quote

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." ~ Maya Angelou

Thanks so much to Jaime (check out Jaime's blog by clicking here) for sharing this awesome quote here on our blog in response to my previous post!

peace, hope and love,

lily

Thought for the Day

"It's only a thought and a thought can be changed.

I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. I am willing to change and grow."

~ Louise Hay

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If you attended out last group of the year, you probably remember the holiday cards Nikki and I gave out to all of the attendees that night. Each holiday card had a power thought card inside. We gave them out randomly. The one I got, had the quote above by Louise Hay.

Language and thoughts are so incredibly powerful, I always say this, cause I so believe it. We have to re-learn how to talk to ourselves about ourselves, and make peace with who we are and who we are not...We have to learn how to let go of negative thinking, and create a healthy story of our lives that we can live into.

Like Dan Baker PhD says in his book What Happy People Know, we can't change our past. What happened to us will always be what happened to us. But we can change what we make our past mean to us. Moments of pain and struggle can become our greatest sources of wisdom.

It is our choice, and what a powerful choice it is to have!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The One Thing

Hi All,
From time to time, I like to share, on the blog, what inspires me...Here is a song that I heard several weeks ago and I thought was totally awesome! I made an iMovie of it with my Mac so I could share it with you. Here it is...

Every Moment

"Every moment that's ever been, or ever will be, is gone the instant it's begun. So life is loss. And the secret to happiness is to learn to love the moment more that you mourn the loss."
~ "Emily" a patient with cancer, from the book What Happy People Know by Dan Baker PhD

Integrity

“Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do” ~ Don Galer
This weekend, I experienced someone doing something of questionable integrity that affected me directly...made me feel like I was in high school and someone stole my homework...what a yucky feeling...

I am still processing this. Tonight, one thing comes to mind:

I want to live a life of integrity - where what "I do", what "I say" and what "I say I do" are in harmony....

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Where We Are and Where We Have Been

Hi All,
I received this in my inbox this morning and wanted to share with you.

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source: www.hazelden.org


"Rarely do climbers stare up to see how far away the top still is. Instead, when they rest, they look down toward the starting point of their journey. The view they see assures them that they have already come a long, long way.

Like the climbers, we need to keep our eyes on where we are and where we've been, not on where we're going. When we become discouraged with the progress of our recovery, we only need to look back over how far we have come. The rewarding view gives us courage to continue. Many of us recall times when we lived without hope and the sense of impending doom. Now we look forward to life with confidence.

Today, I will remember to face my climb with optimism. Even if my progress sometimes seems slow to me, it's still a long way from where I once was."

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hope to see you all this Sunday, at our regularly scheduled meeting (for meeting info, please see previous post)

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Special Guest This Weekend / Dr. Henah Gupta, PhD

You don't want to miss this weekend's meeting! We have a special guest: Dr. Henah Gupta, PhD, from The Renfrew Center, will be speaking about Interpersonal Relationships and Eating Disorders.

Look forward to seeing you this Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 PM at our regular meeting place: Flamingo Road Church on the corner of Flamingo Road and Stirling in Cooper City, Florida.

Remember: friends/family and people in your life that want to learn more about how to help you are always welcome to our meetings.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Doing What You Love Part II - The Runner's Story

Hi All,
A couple of posts ago I shared a quote from George Burns that said: Every day, do something you love...

I am writing this post as a follow up to that quote, as a response to someone I do not know, but whose story I heard today and have heard many times before in the people that I have met that exercise compulsively as part of eating disordered behaviors.

"But I love to run! and my treatment team does not allow it...."

Obsessive/compulsive, addictive, self-destructive behaviors do not have true love and appreciation as a driving force.

"Compulsive behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive."

It is very different to engage in an activity when we are motivated by true enjoyment, love and appreciation than when fear, anxiety and obsession are mixed in the equation.

The motivation/intention is different and so is the end result.

This is a very powerful distinction to make.

To the runner I don't know, whose story I have heard many times before in those that exercise compulsively: I hope that one day, in the process of recovery and healing, you will come to truly love running again.

peace, hope and love,

Lily

On Being Late

"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date. No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late." ~ The White Rabbit (Alice in Wonderland)

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs: Heather Palacios' Lead(her)ship blog and she was talking about being late....This is something that I struggle with and it causes me a lot of stress. Her post gave me the idea to google for some tips or strategies...Here are some I just found in a New York Times Article called: "For the Chronically Late, It’s Not a Power Trip"

1. HAVE A STRATEGY Make a commitment to work on the problem every day for at least a month.

2. RELEARN HOW TO TELL TIME Late people tend to underestimate the amount of time their activities take by 25 percent to 30 percent. Write down all your activities and clock how long they actually take.

3. NEVER PLAN TO BE ON TIME Instead, PLAN TO BE EARLY. Punctual people build in extra transit time because they know that unexpected delays can occur. Many tardy people — in their naïve optimism — have never learned to do this.

4. WELCOME THE WAIT Bring a magazine, a book or some language tapes so that you can entertain yourself and get something done while you wait.

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something else I read that might help the "chronologically impaired" is to think and reflect on how your tardiness impacts/affects those that are waiting on YOU...

I am going to commit to these tips for the next month and see what happens! Most of my mornings start very stressful, as I run against the clock to get to work on time. What if I was way ahead of it? I actually enjoy being early, I just do not have the habit. I'll let you know in 30 days what progress I have made...

We all have 24 hours in a day, so if others can be punctual, we can too! Is there something that helps you be on time/early instead of late?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Quote for the Day

Here is an awesome quote I read the other day on Professional Toolbox Consultants' Tools and Skills for Life Blog that I wanted to share with you:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." ~ Gandhi

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Butterflies In Your Stomach

Hi all,
This is the piece we used to close last night's group on Anxiety:

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The purpose of life is not to get rid of the butterflies in your stomach, but to make them fly in formation.
--Author unknown

Did you know that your anxiety could help you at work? Anxieties are a signal; they are a warning system within us saying "Halt!" "Look!" "Listen!" Our anxieties are either honest fears or old, familiar feelings we have carried irrationally from our past. If our anxieties come from legitimate fears, we can face them honestly and move beyond them.

I like to think of anxiety as lying at the threshold of change. Often we feel anxiety when we are entering a new position, a new workplace, or a new experience. These anxieties are natural; they are telling us that we care about our performance. However, when we carry anxieties from our past, such as those that come from old stories of self-doubt, we face a challenge of another kind. We must trace the history of these anxieties and find the primary sources. These anxieties often hover about, leading us to a dead end. We can move through these anxieties by respecting and working on them instead of burying them. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt us.

Just for today, I will listen to my anxious feelings and ask myself whether they are legitimate anxieties from the present or hovering haunts that have been hiding in my closet.

source: www.hazelden.org

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make sure to check back periodically for new posts!

Quote for the day

Every so often, I run into a quote that just really speaks to me. This one is as simple as it is powerful.

"Everyday, do something you love."
~ George Burns (1896 - 1996)

It reminds me of something I read called "the 60 minute principle". More on that later....

what is something you love to do that you can do for yourself today?

peace, hope and love,

On Worry

There used to be times in my life where I worried myself to exhaustion. At the end of the day, I would be so tired, just of worrying all day long...I have learned that I can't worry myself into not worrying. Why is it that we assume we can think our worries into submission? Instead, we have to do something different, and take action!

Here are some tips for dealing with worry:

source: Steve Gillman and Edward Hallowell, M.D.

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1. Take action now. Any action towards a goal tends to diminish worry. Thinking too much about your goals or plans, especially if you dwell on the hurdles, will cause you worry and stress. Of course you should plan well, but when planning drifts towards worrying, it's time to start doing something positive. Take action!

2. Prepare for choice. Nothing crowds and clouds your mind with worry as much as decisions waiting to be made. If you are ready, make them now, or at least start gathering the information you need to make them.

3. Get reassurance. Know which people in your life you can depend on to reassure you, and then ask them for help.

4. Ask for advice / Accept help. No one is an expert on every subject. If you’re in over your head, get input from someone who's more knowledgeable.

5. Don't worry alone. When you share a worry, it almost always diminishes.

6. Use mental categories. Too many things going on in your head? Write them on lists and you may feel better. It works well for many of us worriers. When you are dwelling too much on something, and you stop to schedule a time to work on it, or just put it on a list, it is easier to let go of it for now. You're basically creating "mental categories." In fact, just saying to yourself, "There's nothing I can do about this until Monday," can put a worry into a category of "nothing to worry about right now."

7. Deal with problems directly and quickly. To eliminate worry when there are real problems, try to confront them head-on, and resolve them quickly. The anticipation of problems is what causes the most worry. Just deal with them head on as soon as is possible, and resolve them to the extent possible.

8. Take a break. Do something for yourself, something you enjoy and take a break from your thoughts. Go for a walk, read a book, watch tv, call a friend, go to a movie, etc.

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I worry still, of course, we all do. I just refuse to be paralyzed by fear and worry. I take action, ask for help, share my concerns with people I trust, do something I enjoy (this helps a lot), and schedule time to worry/think/problem solve. Those are some of the things that work for me.

What is something you can do different next time you worry?

A NEW LEAF

Hi All,
Here is the poem we used to lead our discussion tonight. Our topic was: Turn a New Leaf. "When you decide to do something different to change your life for the better, you are turning over a new leaf."

It is a great topic to start the new year. And the cool thing is, we do not have to wait 'til 2009 to do this again. We can turn a new leaf every day, every passing moment.

A NEW LEAF
How soothing the sound
of it, like the feel
of clean sheets, crisp
and cool to the touch,
hinting airy freshness
as we snuggle in.

How comforting it is
to lie here thinking
of this whole new year
fresh and inviting,
opening the prospect
that things might be
better, perhaps could
be, if we could just
approach each new day
with the same sense
of purpose we feel
at this moment.

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So what is one thing you can do to change your life for the better? Just one small step, one small change, one small commitment? Something you can do for you?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Quote for New Year's Day

I subscribe to "Today's Gift" by www.hazelden.org and wanted to share one of their latest emails with you:

I've shut the door on yesterday,
And thrown the key away.
Tomorrow holds no fears for me,
Since I have found today.
-- Vivian Yeiser Laramore

"Feeling guilty or ashamed about the past - about what we did or did not do, about what happened to us, about who we were - can be our undoing. We must work long and hard in our recovery to work through these feelings, not to forget the past - for it informs all that we value in ourselves today - but to put the past into perspective.

After we've taken an inventory and grieved our losses we must forgive ourselves. In forgiving ourselves we can let go of the past and live in today.

A new year, a new life, can be ours. Love and friendship, support and spiritual growth are waiting for us today. Our yesterdays are over, and we can look to the future with joy and anticipation."

source: Today's Gift Meditation from www.hazelden.org 12/30/07