Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Make it so today is not like yesterday, and tomorrow will be different for ever ~ Tony Robbins

Saying No Part II - Lesson from Baby Jonah

I am very often reminded of life's simple yet powerful lessons when I see my baby nephew Jonah.
The latest lesson from baby Jonah: Remember it is ok to say No.

Here is Jonah practicing his Nos. We seem to forget to say No when we grow out of our terrible twos (or in Jonah's case) the "cute-as-heck" twos...



source: The Power of Saying No

Most of us said, "No!" quite well when we were two. After all, it's the two-year-old's job to say "No." The authority figures in our lives at the time, our parents, expect us to say "No." And it is because of "No" that the year is known as the Terrible Two's.

Many of us grow up to be people pleasers. The word "No" drops out of our vocabulary, and we substitute lots of ways to be agreeable and keep the other person happy. Saying "No" to the authority figures is not expected. And underneath it all we believe that saying "No" can cost us a lot in our adult life.

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The unassertive "No"
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is accompanied by weak excuses and rationalizations. If you lack confidence when you say "No" you may think that you need to support your "No" with lots of reasons to convince the other person that you mean it.

You might even make up an excuse to support your "No." This can backfire if the lie is exposed and again, you will sound ineffective because you need to have an excuse to support your stand.

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The aggressive "No"
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is done with contempt. "Are you kidding? Me, get your mail while you're out of town?"

Sometimes the aggressive "No" includes an attack on the person making the request. "You must be crazy. I couldn't take on a project that unimportant."

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The assertive "No"
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is simple and direct. "No, I won't be able to help with that." If you would like to offer an explanation, make it short and simple. "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've already made a commitment for Friday afternoon."

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Strategies to make the assertive "No" easier
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1. When someone makes a request, it is always OK to *ASK FOR TIME TO THINK IT OVER*. In thinking it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.

2. Use your nonverbal assertiveness to underline the "No." Make sure that your voice is firm and direct. Look into the person's eyes as you say, "No." Shake your head "No," as you say, "No."

3. Remember that "No," is an honorable response. If you decide that "No," is the answer that you prefer to give, then it is authentic and honest for you to say, "No."

4. If you say, "Yes," when you want to say, "No," you will feel resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you energy and discomfort and is not necessary if you just say, "No" when you need to.

5. If you are saying, "No," to someone whom you would help under different circumstances, use an empathic response to ease the rejection. For example, to your friend who needs you to keep her child while she goes to the doctor, you might say, "No, Susie, I can't keep Billie for you. I know it must be hard for you to find someone at that time of day, but I have already made lunch plans and I won't be able to help you.

6. Start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep the commitment to say, "No," if it's the first word out of your mouth.

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Practicing for the World Series
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Let's look at some daily ways you can practice saying, "No," so that it comes more naturally to you. Paulette Dale in her book, Did You Say Something, Susan? suggests some simple ways to practice saying, "No." Here are some of her suggestions:
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Say "No,"
to the clerk who wants to write your phone number down
when you return something to the store;
to the telemarketer who disturbs your dinner;
to the perfume demonstrator at the department store;
to your friend's pets when they jump on you;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Make it a project to say, "No," to something every day.

When you do, notice it and give yourself credit for practicing saying such an important two letter word.

source: The Power of Saying No

Saying No

"For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: No.

Go ahead, say it aloud: No.

No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We’re afraid people won’t like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that a “good” employee, child, parent, spouse, or Christian never says no.

The problem is, if we don’t learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.

When do we say no? When no is what we really mean.

When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we mean.

If we’re scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, and go back and say no. We don’t have to offer long explanations for our decisions.

When we can say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no’s and our yes’s begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learn a secret: “No” isn’t really that hard to say."

Challenge for Today: Today, I will say no if that is what I mean.

source: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

unafraid of endings

I can be unafraid of endings because I know they are only the first half of beginnings.

~ Night Light by Amy E. Dean

Letting Go of What Does Not Work

"All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs..what belief have you held on to that has out lived its usefulness in your life?"

~ Tony Robbins

other people's opinion

"I am not other people's opinion of me"....such an important, liberating lesson to learn....

This Exact Moment

"Take a minute to look around you and find five things about this exact moment for which you are grateful."

~ quote I found on twitter

A Perfect Depiction of Addiction

Last night, there was a Mia Michaels choreography on So You Think You Can Dance about Addiction. Kupono (the guy) represented the addiction and Kayla (the girl) was the addict. What a powerful dance!!! Check it out!!!!!

In Mia Michaels' words:

This piece today is about addiction. I think everybody at one point will have or has had an experience with wanting something that is not good for you...

The Man In The Mirror

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

~ Michael Jackson (1958 - 2009)

Do you stop and listen?

Yesterday I read a very interesting article. In January 2007, The Washington Post arranged a performance by world-renowned violinist Joshua Bell in a Washington metro station as an experiment in context, perception and priorities.

Joshua Bell, dressed in a t-shirt, jeans and baseball cap performed six classical pieces on his $3.5 million dollar violin (handcrafted in 1713 by Antonio Stradivari) for 43 minutes. Over 1,000 people walked past him. Only a handful stopped to listen briefly. At the end of the 43 minutes he made $32.17.

Here is a high speed video clip of his performance:



The Washington Post reporter asks the following question as one of his conclusions:
If we can't take the time out of our lives to stay a moment and listen to one of the best musicians on Earth play some of the best music ever written; if the surge of modern life so overpowers us that we are deaf and blind to something like that -- then what else are we missing?

*****************

How about you? Would you have stopped and listened? Is there something you may be missing out on because the pace and demands of life are so overpowering? Stop and think. Better yet, stop and listen!!

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Another interesting fact: "There was no ethnic or demographic pattern to distinguish the people who stayed to watch Bell, or the ones who gave money, from that vast majority who hurried on past, unheeding. Whites, blacks and Asians, young and old, men and women, were represented in all three groups. But the behavior of one demographic remained absolutely consistent. Every single time a child walked past, he or she tried to stop and watch. And every single time, a parent scooted the kid away."

note: to read the entire Washington Post article, click HERE.

New Territory

This is the Ralph Marston piece that we used to end our last meeting...

New territory

Look in the direction of what you think you cannot do,
of what you've been reluctant to undertake.

You'll see a pathway that leads to new levels of success and achievement.
You've already done all the comfortable and familiar things.
To create new value, step out into new territory.

You've already successfully adjusted to countless new situations.
You've already been able to move forward through all kinds of challenges.
Now is the time to make use of that ability again.
Now is when you can boldly venture into new, valuable, productive, effective territory and raise yourself to an even higher level than before.

The fact that the challenges are daunting, serves to make the rewards that much greater.
You have what it takes to meet those challenges and reach those rewards.

Open yourself to the opportunities of living richly and making significant, continuing contributions to your world.

Follow the possibilities into a bright, new territory of achievement and value.

-- Ralph Marston

Saying Goodbye

This weekend we say good-bye to Broward ANAD. Come join us for our last support group meeting this Sunday, June 14th, 2009 at 7:00 PM. Thanks so much for letting us be a part of your recovery during the last 2 and a half years!

peace, hope and love,

ANAD Broward County Chapter

Accepting We Need Extra Help

So this week I had an EMG (Electromyography) done on my left arm. It is a diagnostic test to determine nerve and muscle function. It was like a small-scale-mini-torture session. Not painful for the most part, just really, really uncomfortable repeated electric shocks and needles. Ouch!!

I was putting off going to the doctor because I thought I would get better on my own.



I also purchased a brace today after putting it off for days.

I kept thinking my injury would go away by itself, so why invest the time and money in doing something about it.

It's been almost a month and I am still not better so I finally had to accept that I am going to need extra help to get better.

How about you, have you been trying to do recovery alone and it is not working? Is it time to ask someone you trust for help?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

The message in this day

Here is the reading we used to end the group tonight.







The message in this day
+++++++++++++++++++

"What is today telling you? Instead of feeling that you must
fight against the events and developments of this day,
decide to carefully listen.

Imagine that there's a message in each circumstance that
comes your way. Proceed as if you're receiving valuable
information that can make a real difference in your life and
in your world.

Instead of becoming completely consumed by what's happening,
take a moment to consider why. Then go one step further and
look at ways you can make use of the new knowledge that is
coming your way.

The challenges that arrive, the joys you experience, the
disappointments, the discoveries, and the seemingly random
happenings all add up to something. Let go of the need to
instantly jump to shallow conclusions about each little
thing, and seek to know the whole picture.

Find out for yourself what happens when you make the
assumption that everything occurs for a reason, and that
those reasons are good. Take a step back from what seems to
be turmoil, observe with your heart, and you'll begin to see
order.

Choose to see the message that today is bringing. And you'll
find in it real treasure."

~Ralph Marston

Dancing in the Rain

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."
~ Anonymous

Letting Go

source: Hazelden.org

Reflection for the Day
"In the past, and sometimes even now, I automatically have thought, "Why me?", when I'm trying to learn that my first problem is to accept my present circumstances as they are, myself as I am, and the people around me as they are. Just as I finally accepted my powerlessness over my addiction, so must I accept my powerlessness over people, places and things. Am I learning to accept life on life's terms?"

Today I Pray
"May I learn to control my urge to control, my compulsion to manage, neaten, organize and label the lives of others. May I learn to accept situations and people as they are instead of as I would like them to be. Thus, may I do away with the ongoing frustrations that a controlling person by nature, faces continually."

Looking Closely and Making Small Changes

I've purposely stayed away from my laptop during the last week. I somehow injured a nerve in my elbow and my left pinkie finger has been asleep (ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz) for the last week.

This past week, I consciously looked at different things I have been doing that might have contributed to my small but uncomfortable injury. I found out that I have horrible posture when I sit in front of the computer at work, I use my laptop a lot at home also in bad posture, I hold books with my left hand and use my left elbow for support when reading.

So I am making some changes to contribute to the recovery of my pinkie.

How about you? If you look closely at your life, what small changes do you think could help in your recovery and to live a happier/healthier life?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

If you ever feel different...

Around this time every year you'll see my obligatory American Idol posts. I am a huge American Idol fan!

My favorite Idol contestant this year is Adam Lambert. Last week, the three finalists returned to their hometowns for a visit, local radio/tv appearances and to spend some time with their family, friends and fans.

During his packed schedule in San Diego, Adam requested to visit MET2 . MET2, The Metropolitan Educational Theater Network, is a "non-profit educational organization committed to providing young people with the unique opportunity to be active participants in the dramatic process as actors, singers, and dancers." Adam was part of MET2 from the time he was 8 'til the time he was 17.

Adam has repeatedly said during Idol interviews that he was always the weird kid, that he wasn't popular in high school because he was different, a drama geek.

I love the message her shared with the 200+ children from MET2 last week. The kids got to ask him questions and he had a question for them too. Here it is:

“How many of you feel a little different because you’re creative and in the arts? Well, just let it go. Say ‘I’m gonna be okay as a creative/artistic person and there’s nothing wrong with that.’ If you ever feel different, hold your head up high."

His question really touched my heart and made me think of all the times I felt different growing up: I was taller that most girls and guys in my class, I had glasses, braces and a back brace all at the same time for a while, I'd rather read than go to parties....still today I feel different sometimes (for example, I choose a different career path and life than most of my overachieving family)...

For many years I judged those different from me and was my toughest, worst judge and critic. I have learned to respect, embrace and be compassionate towards my differences and the differences in others.

How did you feel different growing up? How do you sometimes feel different today?

Next time you feel different, remember Adam's words during his visit to MET2:

“How many of you feel a little different because you’re X, Y, Z? Well, just let it go. Say ‘I’m gonna be okay as X, Y, Z person and there’s nothing wrong with that.'
If you ever feel different, hold your head up high."

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Lessons from Baby Jonah

The latest picture from by baby nephew got me thinking....what lesson can we learn from baby Jonah in this pic?

Every day, remember to take some time to do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself, be kind to yourself. You deserve it!

What is something nice you can do for yourself today?

peace, hope and love,

Lily

Thought for Today

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

Quote for Today

"I am always amazed when I take off in an airplane, on a dark gloomy cloudy day, how bright it actually is once we get passed the clouds. I always try to remind myself during dark times in my life that the light is actually still shining. I just need to pierce the clouds and let the sunshine in. The darkness comes only because something is blocking the light."

~ Rabbi David Aaron, Author of Endless Light, Seeing G- d, The Secret Life of G-d, Inviting G-d In and Living a Joyous Life

We've Come A Long Way

This year will be three years that Nikki Kramer, Sarah Greene and I began planning the first ANAD Eating Disorder Support Group in South Florida. We started planning the group in the summer of 2006. Our first meeting was Sunday, December 10th, 2006.

Almost three years later, we have helped and inspired others to start ANAD Support Groups in their communities throughout South Florida.

Now...

If you are looking for a group in Dade County, you can contact Maria at henaome@gmail.com or contact her via phone at (786) 263-2956.

If you need a group in West Palm Beach you can contact Sarah Rainer at PalmBeachANAD@gmail.com .

If you need a group in Boca Raton, FL you can contact Dr. Henah Gupta at dr.henahgupta@psychologicalexpressions.com or (561) 283-0206.

Tonight I wanted to acknowledge and celebrate how far we've come and thank everyone that has helped make ANAD Broward a success. THANK YOU!!!

How about you? Take a moment to acknowledge, celebrate and be thankful for where you are today. It might not be exactly where you'd thought you'd be after X, Y, Z...but accepting, acknowledging, celebrating and being thankful for where we are today is an important part of getting to where we want to be.

Peace, hope and love,

Lily

Celebrating Life

'I have tried to say what happiness is, how we make it, how we lose it, and how we sometimes walk past it without recognizing it. Happiness isn't somewhere else, it's where we are. It isn't something we don't have, we do. It isn't fantasy, it's reality experienced in a certain way. Happiness is a close relative of faith.'

~ Celebrating Life, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks

PS: Thanks to David S. for lending me this book. I am so looking forward to reading it!

Lessons from Baby Jonah

Sometimes in life we have to shake things up so we can look at things from a different point of view and achieve different results.










Happy belated Easter everyone!

Peace, hope and love,

Lily

Making Tough Choices

I was listening to The Today Show this morning on my way to work. Matt Lauer interviewed Suzy Welch author of 10 - 10 - 10 A Life Transforming Idea

Suzy explains a process for making big and small choices/decisions. A Process she calls 10-10-10. Here's how it works:

1) First you identify your problem/issue/question/possible options. Be as specific as possible.

2) Next comes honest data collection. Answer: "Given my question, what are the consequences of each of my options in ten minutes? in ten months? In ten years?"

3) The last step in the process is analysis. According to Suzie Welch, you need to take all the information ­you’ve compiled and compare it to your values (your beliefs, goals, dreams, and needs). Ask yourself: “Knowing what I now know about all of my options and their consequences, which decision will best help me create the life I want to live?”

Here is the Suzy Welch interview on The Today Show:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

note from Suzie Welch: "(...) to be clear, there is nothing literal about each ten in 10-10-10. The first 10 basically stands for “right now” — as in, one minute, one hour, or one week. The second 10 represents that point in the foreseeable future when the initial reaction to your decision has passed but its consequences continue to play out in ways you can reasonably predict. And the third 10 stands for a time in a future that is so far off that its particulars are entirely vague."

If you want to read the full article. Click HERE.

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There is not a perfect decision-making process. As you saw from the video, Mrs. Welch has made some not so good decisions since coming up with this method. It is extremely helpful though, to explore different methods and tools that can help us in making decisions big and small when the time comes...so we wont have to make decisions out of fear, guilt, stress or wait until we are cornered against a wall.

We should make our choices, big and small based on what is important to us, on our values, on what we want our life to look like 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now and 10 years from now.

Making mistakes in our decision making process is also ok. We are not perfect. We just need to learn the lessons from our "misses", take what responsibility is ours and move on.

Hope you can place this 10-10-10 decision making tool in your recovery tool box and that it comes in handy in 10 minutes, 10 months or 10 years.

Peace, hope and love,

Lily